What Do I Really Want? 4 Steps to Find Out

Melanie Federline
Sep 2
5 min read

Unraveling the Question: What Do I Really Want?

I often find myself sitting here wondering what I should be doing with myself. I run through the list of possibilities, what I'm supposed to do, what I need to do, never what I WANT to do.

When I realize that, I stop and I tell myself that I should do something I want to do. But then I realize I have no idea what that is.

What do I want to do? And I sit some more, coming up empty. How do I NOT know what I want?

I know I'm not alone in this. So many others come to me suffering from the same quandry.

The thing is, there's a difference between what we want, and what we think we can want.

It feels like the things we want are out of reach, and so we only consider the things that feel possible or that would get us to where we think we need to go to get what we want.

But what do you want right here, right now? That's the important part of the equation.

So often we think about the future. How do we get where we want to go eventually?

But how often do we think about how to be what we want right now?

Who do you want to be and how do you be that version of yourself?

If you want to be that successful person in the future, you need to think like that successful person right now. What would you be doing? How would you eat, think, sleep, work, and do that now?

What hobbies and habits would you have? What do you wear? How do you spend your day?

What choices do you make?

How can you build those habits right now?

Because in order for future you to have them, you have to start them here, now.

So how do we start to unravel this knot of not knowing what we want?

The truth is, it isn’t about having one big answer or a perfect plan.

It’s about peeling back the layers — the difference between what we actually desire and what we allow ourselves to desire, the pull between our future self and our present self, and the habits we can build right now to reconnect with who we really are.

These steps aren’t rules or a rigid formula; they’re invitations to explore. Think of them as gentle doors you can open one at a time, leading you closer to the part of you that already knows what you want.

1. The Gap Between Wanting and Allowing

There’s such a big difference between what we truly want deep down and what we think we’re allowed to want.

Most of the time, we don’t even notice that filter running in the background.

We run our desires through “is it possible?” or “is it responsible?” or “will people approve?” — and the real want gets lost in the noise.

So instead of asking,

“What do I want to do?”

try asking:

👉 “If nothing was off-limits, what would I want right now?”

👉 “If nobody could judge me, what would I choose?”

At first, your mind might go blank. That’s normal.

But if you keep at it, little sparks show up — take a nap, go outside, dance in my kitchen, play with an idea, paint something messy.

They might feel small, but those sparks are how bigger clarity starts to form.

Takeaway: What you want and what you let yourself want aren’t always the same thing — start naming the sparks, no matter how small.

2. The Now vs. The Future Self

We spend so much time picturing the “future me” — the healed, successful, accomplished version. And then we forget the obvious truth: the only way to get there is by practicing pieces of that version right now.

Instead of asking,

“Who do I want to be in five years?”

try:“What’s one small thing future-me would do that I can do today?”

If future-you eats healthier → make one meal with intention today.
If future-you walks with confidence → lift your head and try it now.
If future-you creates without fear → give yourself ten minutes of messy freedom.

Think of it like trying on a costume. You don’t have to put on the whole thing — just one piece at a time until it starts to feel like you.

Takeaway: Don’t wait for “future you” — try on just one piece of that version today.

3. Rebuilding the “Desire Muscle”

If it feels like you don’t know what you want, chances are it’s not that you don’t have desires , it’s that you’ve trained yourself to silence them.

Desire is like a muscle: if you’ve ignored it, it gets weak. But you can strengthen it again.

Here are a few ways to practice:

Micro check-ins: Pause once or twice a day and ask, “What do I want right now?” Even if the answer is just “a glass of water” or “a quiet moment.”
Separate the want from the how: Don’t worry about logistics. It’s enough to say, “I want to travel to Greece,” even if you can’t book a ticket today. Just naming it brings you back into alignment with yourself.
Desire lists: Write down ten things you want every morning, no matter how impractical. Don’t edit. Over time, you’ll notice patterns, and those patterns point straight to what lights you up.

Takeaway: Desire grows stronger the more you practice noticing and naming it without worrying about how.

4. Letting Your Identity Take Shape

Asking “Who do I want to be?” doesn’t mean you need a perfect, final answer.

Think of your identity as clay — it’s meant to be shaped, experimented with, and reshaped as you grow.

Try it like this:

Today, I try on the identity of the disciplined artist.
Tomorrow, I might try on the joyful adventurer.

See how each one feels. Some will stick, some won’t. But those little experiments add up. Over time, you’ll realize you’re not trying to “become” your future self — you’ve been building them piece by piece all along..”

Takeaway: You don’t have to know who you’ll be — experiment, play, and let your identity reveal itself piece by piece.

Living Into Your Future, Right Now

At the end of the day, the real work isn’t in forcing an answer but in creating space for your desires to be heard. It’s about practicing the art of asking, listening, and allowing , even if the wants feel small, messy, or out of reach.

When we honor those sparks in the present, we begin to embody the version of ourselves we imagine for the future. Desire isn’t something we have to chase; it’s something we remember, piece by piece, moment by moment.

The more we choose to live as if we already are who we want to be, the more natural it becomes.